Keeping up with the kiwis 1 
New Zealanders may have long been the butt of "fush and chups", but according to Paola Totaro there are more than a few reasons New Zealand has got one over on Australia. Totaro gives several including the fact that our police officers are unarmed and our national crime rate is at its lowest since 1982, the politics of race and separatism are debated in an upfront manner and there are real women on New Zealand TV. "The drive from Auckland airport to the CBD is a long one - about $62 worth - but the Indian taxi driver's guileless observations about the trans-Tasman differences sew a seed: 'In Australia, passengers see you are foreign and demand to know if you know your way. In New Zealand, they ask you if you're OK, how you are settling. They wait to hear the answer. Do you know what I mean?' "
(13 October 2005)

Around the world in 58 days
NZers Mike Beasley and Fraser Brown were part of the 12-strong crew in billionaire adventurer Steve Fossett's record breaking round-the-world sailing victory. Fossett and co. circumnavigated the globe in 58 days, 9 hours, 32 minutes, and 45 seconds - shaving nearly 6 days off the previous record. Fossett's 38m maxi-catamaran - Cheyenne - was built in Auckland by Cookson Boats.
(7 April 2004)
 

Driving Miss Dotty
New Zealand truck driver Neil Russell found two damp felines (Dotty and Smokey) clinging to the underside of his lorry when he pulled into the Chelsea Flower Show.
(17 May 2001) 

Kiwis on skid row
New Zealanders Bridget McIver and Vaughan Smith live in a trendy San Francisco loft - but the neighbours don't reflect the price tag.
(20 May 2001)
  

Kiwi blokes prefer scoring to scoring
According to recent New Zealand study, most men would turn down a date with Elle Macpherson in a favour of a big footy match - and sports mad Australians are no different.
(24 May 2000)

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Baby steps
"The best place I ever visited was probably Australia and New Zealand in 1983 with Prince Charles and Princess Diana when they took William. In Auckland where the tour ended the pictures of Diana and Charles holding William standing for the first time were the icing on the cake." - Royal photographer Arthur Edwards.
(5 April 2001)
    

Senior junior
Anne Martindall (86), former US Ambassador to New Zealand and long-time companion of Sir Toss Woollaston, returns to college to complete her degree. "I believe in finishing what you start," says Martindall.
(4 November 2000)

Kiwi runners feel the pain
In the US they run to escape the pressures of work. In the UK they find running leaves the mind time to think about sex. Kiwis, on the other hand, think about the pain they’re putting themselves through. Did somebody say masochistic?
(22 August 2000)

Sign of the Times
A Transit New Zealand road sign in the South island, linking the towns of Clinton and Gore, is attracting the attention of the White House.
(7 July 2000)

      

Xena look Out
An unlucky Auckland criminal chose the wrong victim when he picked on the same woman -  a tae-kwon do black belt - twice in two days. "Each day I teach myself never to use martial arts in anger. I had to remind myself of that," said the ball-busting Rachel Younger.
(31 May 2000) 

Being nice makes business sense
Tourism NZ has launched a new campaign encouraging Australians to travel to NZ at different times of the year. At the same time, it urges New Zealanders to ease up on the traditional taunting of tourists from across the Tasman, causing the NZ Herald to dub the campaign Be-Nice-to-Australians month. "We rib each other, there is no doubt about it," said Tourism NZ chief George Hickton in the Sydney Morning Herald. "We know no-one wants to get ribbing the whole time. I have heard it (taunts) said and thought people should back off." The campaign could be addressing more than just neighbourly niceties: Australia is NZ's biggest tourism market, with visitor numbers currently reaching 900,000 a year. 

(5 March 2007)

Living the good life 
Auckland and Wellington came fifth and twelfth respectively in the 2006 World's Most Liveable Cities list, published by Mercer Human Resource Consulting. The top four spots went to Zurich, Geneva, Vancouver and Vienna. Sydney was ranked ninth, Tokyo 35th, London 39th and New York 46th. The Liveable Cities list is part of the annual Mercer Quality of Living Survey. Mercer is a US-based HR firm founded in 1937. 
(November 2006)

Keeping up with the kiwis 2
Meanwhile on a different page…"What do Australians think about New Zealand? Not very much and not very often. 'We think about New Zealand like we think about Tasmania,' one Australian tells me with unaccustomed tact. Another notes that if New Zealand were, God forbid, to be carried away by a huge tidal wave, no one would notice the difference. Not-so-nuanced Australian newspapers refer to New Zealand as 'Helengrad', an unkind reference to the Stalinesque prime minister Helen Clark. Politically pristine Kiwis have every reason to feel inferior to their slightly anarchic neighbour. New Zealand is everything that Australia is not. While Australia exhibits the characteristics of a thrusting alpha-male, New Zealand remains stuck in sullen adolescence. The heavy grey sky overhanging Auckland offers a clue to the national mood… Kiwis excel at rugby, but in most other endeavours they barely touch mediocrity. Friends who have visited New Zealand recently rave about the 'Pacific paradise', but I am into cities, not glaciers and snowfields. All I see is a relentless sprawl of clapboard houses which entomb the bleak moodiness of their inhabitants. The geometrically planned gardens and the finely manicured parks awaken my most destructive instincts…Alcoholism and drug abuse continue to take a crippling toll. Suicide is now regarded as a 'significant cause of death'. The incidence of violence against children is among the highest in the developed world. Not a very happy paradise." 
- Douglas Davis in The Spectator (Registration required)
(October 2005)

Task-master Cook
As Registrar General for England and Wales, New Zealander Len Cook is heading the massive task of digitising the countries’ birth, death, and marriage certificates. “The aim throughout our plans to reform civil registration has been to deliver a better, more efficient service to the public,” says Cook. The main objective of the project – which is expected to take 30 months – is to create a digital index to all records.
(27 June 2005)
   

Lord Gazza
Gisborne builder Gary Lewis became the first Maori member of the British Royal Family with his marriage to Lady Davina Windsor at Kensington Palace. Lewis is the son of a former champion sheep-shearer and nephew to writer Witi Ihimaera. He met Lady Davina - who is 20th in line to the throne - while on holiday in Bali four years ago.
(2 August 2004)
   

World's best head 42-below
The first ever Cocktail World Cup was held in Queenstown over the Winter Festival, which began June 25. The 5-day event is the brainchild of NZ's 42-Below vodka, which recently won gold at the World Spirits Awards in Brussels. "It's great to see us again rated among the world's best by the experts," said company founder Geoff Ross. "There's no better environment to be making premium vodka than clean green NZ and the results are showing on an international stage."
(15 June 2004)
   

Smells like green spirit
A Californian company claims to have captured the essence of Aotearoa in a bottle. The Demeter Fragrance Library produces scented candles and room sprays ranging in weirdness from Chocolate Chip Cookie to Fuzzy Navel. The recently released New Zealand line draws inspiration from “New Zealand’s extraordinary natural beauty, unspoiled ecosystems, and varied terrain. This fresh, green, outdoor fragrance blends notes of plant leaves, barks, grass, snow, ocean, river, and stone. It is a unique combination of the floral of the lowland rainforests of southwestern New Zealand; the rich, loamy soil that develops under the canopy of the rain forest; and the pure, unspoiled rainwater that makes the lush and varied vegetation possible.”
Free registration site
(26 February 2004)

The necessary jester
A recent Victoria University study asserts the value of the office clown. According to its research, humour is "a natural and, maybe, a necessary byproduct of complex social systems such as the modern workplace." Evidently, shared laughter encourages a cohesive working environment; "those who can laugh together can work together."
(13 October 2002)
    

Right ball's up
New Zealand funny-man and sideways thinker Burton Silver presents the oval golf ball, for those times when round is just too tricky.
(22 May 2001) 

World without Oz
If Australia didn't exist, "Kiri Te Kanawa would be known as La Stupenda," "New Zealanders would outnumber sheep" and "the pavlova would be indisputably a New Zealand Creation."
(26 January 2001)

Spotte-y research
Prolific writer Stephen Spotte's latest collection ranges from "academia to the Maori cannibals of New Zealand and everywhere in between".
(16 March 2001)

Hairy summer
On the track of the elusive ape-drape, found among "isolated sporting tribes such as New Zealand rugby league players, Czech speedway riders and the pantomime grizzlies of the Worldwide Wrestling Foundation".
(11 June 2001)

Abandoning "Captain Calamity"
Crew-member Rob Salvidge said goodbye to round-the-world challenger Tony Bullimore at "a late-night cook-up in a Maori taxi-drivers' cafe in Wellington".
(17 April 2001)
  

No smoke, no fire
Compulsory age-ID for young smokers, and smoke-free zones in bars may be on their way in New Zealand.
(17 April 2001)

Phone re-conversion
New Zealand MP and respected pillar of the Samoan community, Philip Field, retrieved a stolen car - by ringing the car phone and demanding the thieves return the vehicle.
(1 April 2001)

Sock it to him
Returning from Britain, Agricultural Minister Jim Sutton handed in his shoes for decontamination - accidentally also handing in a pair of dirty socks. These were also "decontaminated" by customs, returning to the minister freshly washed.
(13 March 2001) 
     

It's in the genes
"Is this new arrival destined to take on the roistering tendencies of his Viking ancestors, the dour fatalism of his grandfather’s West Highland forebears, the mercantile instincts of Scots traders on his grandmother’s side, his mother’s New Zealand family, his father’s literary inheritance, or that trace of blue blood which goes back to the Norman Conquest?"
(1 March 2001)

Caught on film
Father of Polaroid George W Wheelwright III had eclectic interests - including the fodder potential of "exotic grasses from New Zealand".
(3 March 2001)
   

Too tricky Poneke
The King William's College quizz is "fiendishly" difficult - but one question should be easy for Wellingtonians.
(17 January 2001) 

Speed baa-rrier
Shaun the New Zealand Drysdale is doing community work in England's Lake District - he attracts motorists' attention, slowing them down for a second glance.
(4 January 2000)

Jewels valued
A New Zealand testicle is worth £4 500, but the Australian version is valued at £130 000. 
(1 December 2000)

Sheepish joke
Still fresh after all these years...
(3 December 2000)

Star detective
Newbie Hamilton security man Gillie Henare explains his efficient lifter-nabbing techniques: "they use a lot of tricks to smuggle stuff out. You look for things like the bulging stomach, loose sleeves, bags. Once you've seen it a few times, you know what to look for." 
(30 November 2000)

Horsemen of the Edge
"New Zealand horsemen have arrived in the village. They have taken over a surplus cowshed just behind the blacksmith's. I visit and discover that, having seen better days, the shed is being converted with vast energy into a substantial showjumping yard and is already the home of some extremely attractive horses."
(19 November 2000) 

New Zealandese?
"'They're fighting the 300-pound gorilla. Good on them,'' said Mark de Frere, a marketing manager for Advanced Micro Devices, using the New Zealand phrase equivalent to 'godspeed'."
(16 November 2000)

Towel rage
Staff at the Rotorua Polynesian Spa were menaced by a naked customer, furious that he hadn't been provided with a towel. The customer walked naked into the foyer, pushing a computer off the front desk to express his displeasure.
(2 November 2000)

Touring Scots experience Hongi and other quirks of New Zealand culture
Such as this unique local solution to the Fijian Crisis, on observing the Scots training an onlooker reportedly said: "what you should do is use that big fellar as ram on the door of the Parliament House in Suva, this other feller to crash tackle George Speight to the floor. Crisis Over." We'll see if they're up to it after the test this weekend ...
(8 June 2000)
    

Game over 
A group of NZ bars has developed a novel method of curbing excess drinking. Unruly patrons can be yellow or red carded depending on their degree of intoxication - yellow cards preventing drinkers from being served for a set period of time, red cards resulting in their eviction from the premises. NZ's Alcohol Advisory Council is watching the results of the new system with interest. "If this system works, then we applaud it," says AAC chief executive Mike MacAvoy. 
(2 August 2006)

Kiwi-fight
LA Times explores the history of Gridley, Kiwifruit Capital of the USA and sister city to Te Puke – Kiwifruit Capital of the World, thank you very much. Of note is the trade war between NZ and America in the early 90s, when NZ “flooded the US market with predatorily low-priced [fruit] … The Americans and New Zealanders eventually shook hands and made up.”
(7 August 2005)
   

National anthem or call to arms?
Research by Auckland military historian Colin Andrews has cast a new light on NZ’s national anthem, penned by Thomas Bracken in 1876. Andrews believes that the line “Guard Pacific’s triple star” refers to the three stars displayed on Maori battle flags during the Land Wars, not, as was previously thought, to NZ’s three principal land masses. He thus interprets God Defend New Zealand as plea for God to protect Maori in their armed struggle against European settlers. A Liberal MP, Bracken was known for his anti-colonialist views and veneration of Maori culture.
(9 August 2004)
   

Brits on the move
Times article explores the current trend of Britons emigrating to NZ, focusing on a young family from Bath who settled in Wanganui a year and a half ago. According to Paul and Estelle Collins, positives include warmer weather, more value for their dollar, and a safer environment for their four children. Negatives such as a sense of isolation and missing British TV and radio are largely outweighed by the good: “Aotearoa - the Land of the Long White Cloud - has indeed proved to have a silver lining.”
(9 July 2005)
  

Captain Conjuror
Veteran Auckland performer and Grand Master of Magic, Tony Wilson, was recently inaugurated as President of the International Brotherhood of Magicians. The Brotherhood was founded in the early 1920s and comprises nearly 15,000 magicians globally.
(16 July 2004)
   

DIY cruise missile
One for the z-files surely. Taking the No.8 wire mentality a little too literally, NZ internet developer Bruce Simpson, 49, has attracted headlines across the planet for his plans to build a DIY jet-propelled missle in his backyard somewhere north of Auckland. On his website he claims he hopes to make governments aware how easy it would be for terrorists to build a low-cost missile (built through components bought via the internet), not to provide the instructions. Po-faced NZ Police: "It's not something we recommend people try at home."
(04 June 2003)    
       

Never take a spinner seriously
The tiny Pacific state of Kiribati was thrown into panic by an article published by New Zealand spoof site www.spinner.co.nz. The article announced the imminent invasion of Kiribati by US forces, quoting President Bush as accusing its leader, President Tito, of "developing weapons of mass destruction, and some pretty damn fine crab soup." The ensuing furore forced the local government to issue several public notices disclaiming the story. After being personally questioned by President Tito, NZ High Commissioner to Kiribati, Neil Robertson concluded that "the Kiribati sense of humour does not encompass satire."
(5 November 2002)
     

Eye candy off Antigua
"Circulating everywhere are professional crewmen and women-nearly all of whom seem to have blond hair, flawless physiques and charming New Zealand accents. They are constantly on the prowl for a better berth."
(14 May 2001)
   

Captain Cloud
"Captain John Hercus used to be a banker. He used to be a skier. He jumped ship twice from the corporate world to return to his real passion. Sailing. He wandered, sometimes, lonely as a cloud. Across continents. Away from tiny New Zealand where he was born."
(22 April 2001)
    

Best friends share everything
Including their dog biscuits, if the situation requires it.
(1 March 2001)

Sooty mania
New Zealanders respect a real man - or a real guinea pig. Sooty, the rodent famous for fathering 43 babies in one sweaty night, received a large volume of valentines postmarked New Zealand. "He has a big following down there," says owner Carol Feehan.
(14 February 2001)

atch that pigeon now
New Zealander Kent Robertson adds his two cents worth on the Trafalger Square pigeons: "I've been coming to London for 30 years and feeding the pigeons has always been a great treat".
(22 January 2001)

Pooch smooch
New Zealand firefighter Trevor Hill has a new best friend - Oscar, the dog he revived with the canine kiss of life.
(17 January 2001) 

Hunter becomes hunted
Diving for crayfish off the Coromandel, British diver Peter Fuller was hooked by a passing fisherman: "the idiot was rigged for marlin but caught me," said Fuller, still nursing the hand he was hooked through.
(4 January 2001)

Mobile protection
Timaru condoms-in-taxis scheme attracts international notice.
(4 January 2001)

Ideal burglar
"If you wanted an ideal burglar, we could give him a reference. You never know he's been in," says Ron Hancock of the crook who's broken into his Lake Rotoehu holiday house twenty times in the last three years.
(9 December 2000)

It's Shirley, isn't it?
The Shirley Convention 2001 is expecting "500 Shirleys from across Australia and New Zealand".
(12 December 2000)

Window rescue
Christchurch window-cleaner Brent Harrington's rescue provided a spectacle for 200 cheering tourist after his pulley-operated platform malfunctioned, stranding him outside the fifth floor of the BNZ.
(29 December 2000)

Moral turpitude
"My eye always goes back to that sad and sinister little word at the beginning of the list: what the hell is "turpitude", anyway? One immediately thinks of child molesters, satanists, and men who do funny things with sheep on the edges of cliffs in New Zealand."
(7 December 2000)

Is that a wallet in your sofa or are you just pleased to see me?
After 57 years apart US marine Chuck Herrler was reunited with his wallet, courtesy of Wellington woman Louise Alliston, who noticed a strange bulge in the arm of her second-hand sofa.
(29 December 2000)

   

Ice and cannibals
Alan Gurney's The Race to the White Continent details three mid-nineteenth century voyages to Antarctica. Included is a "grisly description by a New Zealand missionary of the cannibalistic Maoris' method of creating shrunken human heads."
(19 November 2000)

Fat tax
Proponents of the New Zealand "Brain Drain" myth complain about income tax, but the government has so far rejected calls for a "fat tax" on butter, cheese, meat and milk.
(1 November 2000)

Jeans #2
Labour MP John Tamihere wore a pair of 'dress jeans' to work. When National's Bill English complained, Aucklander Tamihere called him "a hillbilly from Clutha".
(8 November 2000)

Acing it
Wellington hair maestro Constantin Harach played his cards right to win the Moscow International Poker Tournament Pot Limit Omaha: "Aram rolls over 8K510 and Constantin 6QJA. Constantin's up and down straight is made with a K on the last and the very popular New Zealand player adds a Russian title to his name."
(16 October 2000)

Motoring on
Elva Shepard, 99, passed her re-licensing test. The only experienced drivers only fault? A little slow at times, perhaps due to Bubba, her youthful 43-year-old car.
(21 October 2000)

Ruskies clone NZ lawyers
"A computer programmer from St Petersburg has cloned a New Zealand law firm's website and changed its details to make it appear Russian. Patent attorney A J Park's website was plagarised down to the last detail: the firm's Wellington and Auckland offices became the St Petersburg and Helsinki offices. Partner Greg Arthur became Grigory Fokin, while managing partner Andrew Collins was renamed Andrew Colmogoroff."
(23 August 2000)

Howdy mate
"Seems like American people are just too lazy to work," says Colorado farmer Bruce Markham, who's been using Kiwis to bring in the corn. 
(26 November 2000)
    

What goes around comes around
Hans Schwarz, an Austrian now living in NZ, sailed to Melbourne in 1956, to attend the Olympic Games. He threw a bottle into the ocean, with a note for a "dusky Pacific maiden". Now, in a typically New Zealand turn of events, the bottle has washed ashore only a few kilometres from Mr Schwarz's home!
(11 October 2000)

ANZAC divers recover sunken Vietnamese Treasure
A group of four New Zealand and Australian professional divers spent over 70 days working 12 hour shifts in the cramped quarters of a diving bell to recover a sunken collection of valuable 15th Century Vietnamese ceramics. The unique pieces will go to museums while the remainder will be auctioned by Butterfield's and shown at Air Gallery in London.
(7 June 2000) 

Oh happy day 
New Zealand is the 18th happiest nation in the world, according to the first ever "world map of happiness." Produced by Adrian White of Leicester University's School of Psychology, the map uses data from the CIA, New Economics Foundation, WHO, Veenhoven Database, Latinbarometer, Afrobarometer, UNHDR and UNESCO. "The concept of happiness, or satisfaction with life, is currently a major area of research in Economics and Psychology, most closely associated with new developments in positive psychology," says White. The map names Denmark, Switzerland and Austria as the world's happiest nations and the Democratic Republic of the Congo, Zimbabwe and Burundi as the least happy. 
(29 July 2006)

Maritime mystery nearly solved
American archaeologists have discovered four 18th century ships off the coast of Rhode Island, New York, one of which could be Captain Cook's Endeavour. Cook commanded the Endeavour on his famous 1768-1771 voyage to find the unknown "Terra Australis," during which he mapped the east coast of Australia and circumnavigated NZ. The four ships were scuttled by the British in 1778 during the American Revolution. "Archaeology is a slow and meticulous process but maybe a few years down the line, we might find out [which ship] is the Endeavour," says University of Rhode Island professor Rod Mather. "We have quite good construction details for her, so the best chance is finding a very close match." 
(18 May 2006)

A smelly solution
Skunk Shot, an odorous gel developed by Victoria University scientists, has become police issue in several US cities, including LA and Richland County, Colombia. Originally designed as a cat and dog repellent, Skunk Shot is being used by US police to combat drug use and prostitution in abandoned buildings.
(24 July 2004)
  

Charlie champions NZ
British celebrity gardener, Charlie Dimmock, named NZ as her preferred home-away-from-home in an interview with the Independent. “If I had to [I’d emigrate] to New Zealand. They have an ‘outdoors’ lifestyle, and people are more active.”
(19 June 2004)
    

Beware the shaky isles
The grim travel warning issued for NZ by Australia’s Department of Foreign Affairs and Trade has caused derision on both sides of the Tasman. According to the DFAT, NZ is a terrorist target located on a hot-bed of seismic activity and Australian tourists are urged to “monitor developments that might affect their safety.” The Herald’s “heckler” column had this to say: “They let chicks run the shop and refugees live in the community … And they settle their land claims with real money that the traditional owners get to spend themselves. Perish the thought! Your mind will be forever converted from proper Strayan-think should you venture into Aotearoa … Travel to New Zealand, risk your life. You have been warned.”
(7 November 2003)

He makes me lie down in green pastures
"This New Zealand guy who came into my shop gave me the seeds. He was like the Jesus Christ of cannabis: long-haired, blue-eyed, a big healer. Fortunately, he told me the potential of the seeds. They cleared the candida. It's like a scouring effect of the gut. So I started to lose weight. Within a year I'd lost 10 stone." London health-food shop owner and hemp convert Tony Taylor.
(16 June 2001)

Disappearing visitors
"There are reputed to be certain towns in New Zealand and Australia where if you shout out a name in the street, someone will instinctively turn round, then nervously jerk their head away. They've briefly been drawn back to what they used to be called..."
(9 April 2001)

Chathams hungover
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"We blew our budget last year and walked away with a huge headache, but we had a lot of fun," says Chathams man Robin Preece, predicting a quiet New Year for the first place to see the sun.
(26 December 2000)
       

Woolly coincidence
Was it morphic resonance that caused New Zealand sheep to start rolling across cattle girds a the same time as their Welsh cousins? Could a similar force be affecting sisterly novelists?
(20 November 2000)
   

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Role-model Winslet
As well as being every New Zealand director's actress of choice, Kate Winslet can handle a baby.
(19 November 2000)

A load of...?
"Merde is made to be quoted at cocktail parties: 'Polly, did you know the Maori have 35 different words for faeces?” “Nigel, really!'"
   

Booby trap
It's tough on the beat. Two Hamilton police officers were innocently holding a cam-corder when the woman it was pointed at ripped her clothes off, landing them in breach of regulations.
(3 November 2000)

Unprivate moments 
"Keep a diary online and you're exposed to Mom, Dad, potential employers, and strangers in New Zealand with strong opinions about the way last night's date should have been handled."
(November 2000)

ealing touch
A new London centre devoted to the study of 'healing touch' is "an outpost of a university in New Zealand whose ideas are based on feng shui and other Oriental philosophies". Could tight budgets make our scholars diversify this far? 
(29 October 2000)

Awa Maternity Ward no picnic
From the grass skirts and cannibals file: "When Maori women of New Zealand give birth, they deliver on the ground near a stream.  The Maori word whenua means both "earth" and "placenta." 
(May 2000)